Richard Baum

Now that the election is over, there is less need for me to spend every waking hour out on the streets, so of course God has warmly mocked me by stopping the rain and blasting us all with a premature taste of Summer. I took advantage of the nice warm weather last night by unpacking a flat-pack barbecue, and attempting to build it.

Obviously, this being a construction project overseen by a British elected representative, it drastically over-ran. However, the delay in completion was only a few hours long, and was caused less by chronic maladministration, and more by my utter inability to tighten a nut to a screw. Somewhere along the line, when I should have learned how to do man’s things like re-wire stuff and wear a tool belt without looking like a buffoon, I missed out. Other people know how to do this stuff. I absolutely do not.

What I have now then is a functioning, if somewhat rickety, barbecue. It’s not all bad - I suspect it can be just about used for its primary purpose, although it may not work entirely as planned, and is in danger of collapse at any moment. Rather like the Home Office, in many respects.

Where my barbecue is different from the Home Office is that it has foldy-down side bits for hot dog buns and burgers. And these folding side table bits do indeed fold down, after some rigorous shaking. They are the definite highlights of my work. And, like all masterpieces, we should not risk damaging them. As such they should be preserved in either the up or down position at all times, and not tinkered with. Let me assure you that my reluctance to repeatedly extend or contract the shelves is entirely about the preservation of fine craftsmanship, and nothing whatsoever to do with the possibility that the whole thing might fall to pieces in my hands, scattering white-hot coal fragments over my nearest and dearest.

Now that my work is done, all that is left is for me to put the BBQ to good use this weekend at my house-warming party, by poisoning all of my friends.

As well as being all manly and building stuff with tools, I have been catching up on casework these past 24 hours. I have facilitated a meeting between the Police and a local man concerned with vandalism at some local allotments. Also, I have chased up some missing street signs (Butterstile Lane and Carr Avenue, not that you’d realise you were there, of course), and got the Council Tax people to prioritise the case of a local man who’s refund application has got lost in the system somewhere.

Thankfully, I am better at the casework than I am at the furniture-building. It’s a good job, otherwise nobody would cast a single vote in my favour ever again.

Rick